Why do i see this as weakness

The stress the payments the money the debt the charges the world is caving in on me. My walls are crumpling. Everything is falling in on me. I can feel it crushing me. I can feel it all just ready to fall on me and crush me til I can't breathe,  I've had this feeling before and I found my strenght the fighter inside me I found it through self harm; cutting burning smoking til I pass out sleeping pills til I can't shove another one pucking up the food I binged anything that could end up killing me. Once I did what I felt satisfying I found that fighter again that girl that can make it through anything. That girl that is stronger than the words the stress the fakness the pain the lies. The girl that can fight the world by herself. But now I can't even find that strength because I'm to weak to cut or to burn I don't have pills or weed or money to get anything. Not that I would even be able to do anything. I'm weak I am broken. I'm lost in this world that I built so blindedly. I built this world blinded by the love I have for Emily. I did things that I never thought I would even be involved with. I regret these things that have filled me with guilt. I've killed my spirit I've killed the inner girl who did everything for a real reason who had goals and motivation. I killed who I was and became this bad bitch who didn't have a care, but now Im losing everything and I'm to weak to fix anything. I'm to depressed to want to find that will to do the right thing. I've become so weak. So lonely. So lost. So empty. So broken. So angry. Angry that word doesn't even begin to describe the pure hatred pure instanity that people would call madness that might pass as some angry built up. I want to punch things throw things break things. Fucking I am to weak to even talk at times. I can't self harm and I find that as my greatest weakness. Most people would see that as some sort of strength. No its not its me showing myself that I don't even have control of myself my body let alone my life. I'm the weakest I can be. The fighters gone. I'm laying down and basically playing dead while I do slowly die. Weakness over strength that's how I see life right now.

Please let me be six feet under right now.

The monsters always come out to play.

<p>&lt;p&gt;I have faught so many inner demons to be okay to understand that it wasn't my fault that hep c wasn't a curse. I worked so hard to make the bad thoughts go away to make sucide not my only answer that I was better and that hep c wouldn't run well ruin my life. Its taken so much from me already its made me people think these horrible things about me when I've never done anything to them. Its made me telll me I'm worthless and disgusting and that I should kill myself for it. That ridding the world of diseased people like me would be the best thing. And the reason people treated me like this was all because a bratty moran likes to ruin other peoples life to get joy amd happ unless in hers told everyone she could and than some. She was someone I thought I could trust her but you can never trust a sedictive lonely girl that has no one to turn to because she can't keep up with her lies. And now the girl that she's in love with is mad at me has decided that she wants to tell the world that I have hep c she was supposed to be my best friend but now that doesmt matter ahe doesn't care. I don't know how to handle someone else that I trusted telling thd pne thing that defines me as a horrible person to the entire world. I don't know how to be okay with that. I don't know how to shut the monsters up.

Bury these thoughts, it's the best thing to do.

Every time she turns away, every time I try to just be close to her body, let my hands touch her body and she turns over or pushes my hand away it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person, like I'm not good enough, like she wants some one else. Every time I try for just a little skin she pushes me away, she's not okay with me touching her, she let's me feel her chest, she isn't okay with it... She does everything she can to get my hands some where else, it kills me knowing that I can't touch my girlfriend intimately because some worthless piece of shit some complete asshole took her innocence away from her... It kills me even more to know that I can't make her okay, it kills me to know that I can't make her okay, I can't make it all better, it hurts to know that she still doesn't feel safe.. I know how it is to not want to be touched, I know the thoughts that go through her mind when I get close to her upper thigh, I know that it has nothing to do with me... But still I feel so worthless, like the guy who did what he did,like she thinks I'm him every time I touch her and that breaks everything inside me. I need that I can touch her, I know it sounds selfish but it let's me know that I'm doing okay as a girlfriend that she trust me that she feels safe with me. I hate that I couldn't save her.. I hate myself for not being able touch her. It also kills me to know that she is insecure that she isn't happy with the way she looks, I hate that she looks down on herself because I love her body, I love everything about it. I love every mark, every scar, every freckle... Every damn thing about her body just is amazing, she is so beautiful she is just I just... She can't compare to anyone else because she is breathtaking, she is adorable as hell. I love her body. I love it all. There is not one thing I would change about her. Not her personality not her looks nothing, I can't think of a think, and it breaks me to know that she doesn't love everything about her. It kills me inside knowing that I'm not enough to make her see I won't hurt her, it breaks everything to not know if I make her wet, if I turn her on, anyone can have sex with someone and not be turned on, it's just a matter of not thinking about what you are doing... It's a matter of being some where else mentally, I just... No I'm asking for to much, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, my feelings are worthless and stupid just like me, so I'll just bury these thoughts and pretend it's all okay, that's what I'm good at, I'm good at acting like it's all okay.. This will start a fight or make her leave me and I can't lose her, so I'll bury these thoughts of mine deep down inside for the monsters ton have fun with, for the voices to use against me. But I just have to pretend it's all okay. -six feet under yet?

I've lost all my trust.

I dont know why and I dont know how but my trust is gone, its just disappeared. You love me, you make that very clear, we are good, we are happy right... right. But there is jsut something about how you act after coming back from hanging with my brother... you are different, you are just like him. I dont want to date my brother, I want to date Emily. But thats not why I dont trust you, its not that I dont trust you, I do. Its more of a I dont trust myself. You dont care about anything, you dont care if you end up in jail, you dont care if you end up with hep c, you dont care if the cancer kills you, you dont care if you end up six feet under, nothing matters to you.. You dont fight to survive, you are getting credit for being alive without actually having to do anything, its not fair. I wish for death every day, I have to try to survive. But you, you just dont care, you couldnt care any less about anything. I wish that you would care, we are supposed to be together forever but if you end up in jail or dead, how is that forever. How is that fair? Here is why shit didnt happen, because I dont like my own body, I hate that you look at it, I hate that you see it, I hate that its not like the girls on tumblr, I hate that my body is disgusting, I hate every inch of my body, its fat, its different colors, its just plain gross. I hate to look at it in the mirror, I get out of the shower and throw on a towel so I dont have to see it, and you, you want your hands and your lips all over this body that I hate, that I am ashamed off. I dont like my own body why should you like it. I just want to disappear and never show this body that repulses me to anyone ever again. I dont understand why you dont care about my body, you should be like youre fucking digusting do something with yourself, I know that sounds retarded but buh. I just hate everything about myself, every little thing. UGH, I am going to stop typing now. sfn;li gho;gsoh hgsdn;go hasdg uahgasdghajk gn hagagihasdgna;os j;io ; HASGHA DFG

-Am I Six Feet Under Yet.







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Is it time to go under yet?

Is it time to say goodbye, is it time to give up... Is it time to take that last breathe...? I know that it isnt but I cant help but feel that it is. I am in a room filled with people and I am alone, I dont have friends, I dont have any at school. I dont have someone that I can always go to, that is my fault... I cant put my problems on someone else, I cant not any more... My girlfriend and my brother might go to jail because I put my problems on them. I want to become mute, I want to never speak again. I dont want a voice, it doesnt do me any good anyway. I want this all to end, I want the night mares to stop, I want the reply to go away, I dont want to look in the mirror and see this fat digusting thing that just doesnt matter.  I want to just stop everything, I want to sleep for a year, sleep forever, sleep for just a month, I dont care, I just want to sleep for a long period of time so that when I wake up, I cant have to many problems. I want to be in a coffin, six feet under, I want to no longer have to wake up. I want to look in the mirror and not see Dustin and Sterle laughing at me, I want to have sex with my girlfriend and not freak out and think of those two. I dont let her know that I think about it because its with her, I am safe but every night, I dream of them of what they did, I just want this to all be over. I want this to all just be done, If I wasnt alive than nothing would matter anymore. It could all be put at rest. If I could kill myself without hurting anyone else, I would in a heartbeat... I would have my last breathe right now.


buh, Ill talk about this more later... I hate my body, I hate what happened. I hate everything right now, I just want my blanket and a dark corner and a razor.

-Six feet under yet?

The sad part is that I dont even care anymore.

My GPA dropped like .385 and I am pissed but in reality I am okay with that, it means that I am not as smart as everyone says and they can stop being cunt faces and looking at me like I am a genious. Last year at riverview we had to take an IQ test... I took it and got three digits... A lot of people got three digits but my three digits made life harder for me.. People work so hard to be smart and all I have to do is read a book and bam, I know the stuff.. I hate that I can just look at something and understand it. I hate that it doesnt take much for me to be smart, I hate that people expect so much from me because I am smart, If I was like Peter or Kevin or Chris, no one would be asking me about college, or be worried about what I am doing with my life, If I wasnt smart I could get by with selling drugs and car hopping, stealing and all the other random bad shit they do/did for money. I could get in trouble with the police and my family would look at me no different, they would expect it but being smart you know the laws you know that you cant break them, you know that you have to go to college to have a futue, you know that you have to make something of yourself to be noticed in the light and not shunned like a leper. Being smart means no jail time just school time. There used to be a time when school was my home, when I loved going everyday, when I loved every minute of it, I would answer questions, help teachers, I would do all my homework, I would get all my school work down, I would do assignments before they were due not last minute in the class before. I would try, try so hard and this year I just dont care, I hate my school, the people in it lack respect, responsibility, personalility, empathy, kindness, they lack everything a decent human being should have. I hate it, why cant people just have the audacity to just give a fuck just a little, like they dont treat people right, they disrepect each other, teachers, security, just everyone. They dont understand what the real world is like, they say they do, they think because they have a job that that is the real world but half of the damn people at this school couldnt make it on their own if they tried. They dont know how cold the world truly is, they make it cold with the posion that they are but they dont realise that its not all fun and games, beach days and water sports. They dont see people living and dying, they dont know what its like to hold your best friend as they drift off from an overdose, they dont know what its like to lose three family members every day year for three years in a room. they dont understand what its like on the outside, were people dont care about you, they dont care if you dont make it out alive, gets them to a better place. They only care about themsevles they are ruthless cunt licking dick sucking bitches. Well wait, these students will fit right in. I just dont care about this school any more. I just want to be done, I just want to be finished with these stupid classes that are way to easy for me, I just want out, because I hate everything here, I dont care about anything here, I care about one person in this school. ONE PERSON And the other 6000 can go suck a cock. Ah, I wish I care but I dont, I dont care and that hurts. I should care, I should. Its important to care about this, this leads to that and that is my future and my future has always had big plans. But right now, here in this moment I just dont care. Not one bit at all.

-Am I six feet under yet?

Why would you ever want to marry a fuck up emotional empty heartless soulless bitch like me?

I'm nothing. I never have be anything more than nothing. I will always just be what that anon said. Everything they said was true, why didn't you listen.

I love you but at times my problems feel like a burden to me, I could only imagine what they do to you. I'm sorry for being such a mess such a good for nothing mess. I'm worthless and I continue to prove that I just fuck up everything.