I've lost all my trust.

I dont know why and I dont know how but my trust is gone, its just disappeared. You love me, you make that very clear, we are good, we are happy right... right. But there is jsut something about how you act after coming back from hanging with my brother... you are different, you are just like him. I dont want to date my brother, I want to date Emily. But thats not why I dont trust you, its not that I dont trust you, I do. Its more of a I dont trust myself. You dont care about anything, you dont care if you end up in jail, you dont care if you end up with hep c, you dont care if the cancer kills you, you dont care if you end up six feet under, nothing matters to you.. You dont fight to survive, you are getting credit for being alive without actually having to do anything, its not fair. I wish for death every day, I have to try to survive. But you, you just dont care, you couldnt care any less about anything. I wish that you would care, we are supposed to be together forever but if you end up in jail or dead, how is that forever. How is that fair? Here is why shit didnt happen, because I dont like my own body, I hate that you look at it, I hate that you see it, I hate that its not like the girls on tumblr, I hate that my body is disgusting, I hate every inch of my body, its fat, its different colors, its just plain gross. I hate to look at it in the mirror, I get out of the shower and throw on a towel so I dont have to see it, and you, you want your hands and your lips all over this body that I hate, that I am ashamed off. I dont like my own body why should you like it. I just want to disappear and never show this body that repulses me to anyone ever again. I dont understand why you dont care about my body, you should be like youre fucking digusting do something with yourself, I know that sounds retarded but buh. I just hate everything about myself, every little thing. UGH, I am going to stop typing now. sfn;li gho;gsoh hgsdn;go hasdg uahgasdghajk gn hagagihasdgna;os j;io ; HASGHA DFG

-Am I Six Feet Under Yet.







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Is it time to go under yet?

Is it time to say goodbye, is it time to give up... Is it time to take that last breathe...? I know that it isnt but I cant help but feel that it is. I am in a room filled with people and I am alone, I dont have friends, I dont have any at school. I dont have someone that I can always go to, that is my fault... I cant put my problems on someone else, I cant not any more... My girlfriend and my brother might go to jail because I put my problems on them. I want to become mute, I want to never speak again. I dont want a voice, it doesnt do me any good anyway. I want this all to end, I want the night mares to stop, I want the reply to go away, I dont want to look in the mirror and see this fat digusting thing that just doesnt matter.  I want to just stop everything, I want to sleep for a year, sleep forever, sleep for just a month, I dont care, I just want to sleep for a long period of time so that when I wake up, I cant have to many problems. I want to be in a coffin, six feet under, I want to no longer have to wake up. I want to look in the mirror and not see Dustin and Sterle laughing at me, I want to have sex with my girlfriend and not freak out and think of those two. I dont let her know that I think about it because its with her, I am safe but every night, I dream of them of what they did, I just want this to all be over. I want this to all just be done, If I wasnt alive than nothing would matter anymore. It could all be put at rest. If I could kill myself without hurting anyone else, I would in a heartbeat... I would have my last breathe right now.


buh, Ill talk about this more later... I hate my body, I hate what happened. I hate everything right now, I just want my blanket and a dark corner and a razor.

-Six feet under yet?

The sad part is that I dont even care anymore.

My GPA dropped like .385 and I am pissed but in reality I am okay with that, it means that I am not as smart as everyone says and they can stop being cunt faces and looking at me like I am a genious. Last year at riverview we had to take an IQ test... I took it and got three digits... A lot of people got three digits but my three digits made life harder for me.. People work so hard to be smart and all I have to do is read a book and bam, I know the stuff.. I hate that I can just look at something and understand it. I hate that it doesnt take much for me to be smart, I hate that people expect so much from me because I am smart, If I was like Peter or Kevin or Chris, no one would be asking me about college, or be worried about what I am doing with my life, If I wasnt smart I could get by with selling drugs and car hopping, stealing and all the other random bad shit they do/did for money. I could get in trouble with the police and my family would look at me no different, they would expect it but being smart you know the laws you know that you cant break them, you know that you have to go to college to have a futue, you know that you have to make something of yourself to be noticed in the light and not shunned like a leper. Being smart means no jail time just school time. There used to be a time when school was my home, when I loved going everyday, when I loved every minute of it, I would answer questions, help teachers, I would do all my homework, I would get all my school work down, I would do assignments before they were due not last minute in the class before. I would try, try so hard and this year I just dont care, I hate my school, the people in it lack respect, responsibility, personalility, empathy, kindness, they lack everything a decent human being should have. I hate it, why cant people just have the audacity to just give a fuck just a little, like they dont treat people right, they disrepect each other, teachers, security, just everyone. They dont understand what the real world is like, they say they do, they think because they have a job that that is the real world but half of the damn people at this school couldnt make it on their own if they tried. They dont know how cold the world truly is, they make it cold with the posion that they are but they dont realise that its not all fun and games, beach days and water sports. They dont see people living and dying, they dont know what its like to hold your best friend as they drift off from an overdose, they dont know what its like to lose three family members every day year for three years in a room. they dont understand what its like on the outside, were people dont care about you, they dont care if you dont make it out alive, gets them to a better place. They only care about themsevles they are ruthless cunt licking dick sucking bitches. Well wait, these students will fit right in. I just dont care about this school any more. I just want to be done, I just want to be finished with these stupid classes that are way to easy for me, I just want out, because I hate everything here, I dont care about anything here, I care about one person in this school. ONE PERSON And the other 6000 can go suck a cock. Ah, I wish I care but I dont, I dont care and that hurts. I should care, I should. Its important to care about this, this leads to that and that is my future and my future has always had big plans. But right now, here in this moment I just dont care. Not one bit at all.

-Am I six feet under yet?

Why would you ever want to marry a fuck up emotional empty heartless soulless bitch like me?

I'm nothing. I never have be anything more than nothing. I will always just be what that anon said. Everything they said was true, why didn't you listen.

I love you but at times my problems feel like a burden to me, I could only imagine what they do to you. I'm sorry for being such a mess such a good for nothing mess. I'm worthless and I continue to prove that I just fuck up everything.

I'm a sad pathetic excuse for a human being.

The things i do know.

That I don't want to get even more attached. I'm already stuck like glue, but its the crappy glue that doesn't stay stuck for long. I want it to be like cement glue cause I never want to lose her but its going to be hell to not talk to her everyday to not see her almost every day. I'm crying about it now and she's ten feet away. How am I ever gonna make it forty five days without her by my side. She like an attachment to me... how am I gonna make it without her I tell her everything that happens in my day I tell her every little thing and for months I wont be able to tell her anything. I'm going to fall apart but I wont let it show because I have be strong because Tj and Paige don't want her to go either. This just sucks because I honestly don't know when the last night with her will be. This might be it. This night right now might be the last night I get to sleep by her side for the longest time. She keeps me safe at night the nightmares disappear. The ghost doesn't sit in my room and watch me. What happens if tomorrow is thelast day I get with her than she gets put away. Than all I can do is just wait and wait some more. I'm not okay with this at all. I don't know why I'm already breaking down she's not even gone and I'm already crying, it already feels like shes gone. I'm going to miss her so much. I already do. She's touching me right now and I feel like its the last time from a while. I hate this. I hate this feeling. The girl I'm in love with and want to spend the rest of my days with wont be here for 45 of them. I wont get to see her, I barely be able to talk to her. I can't handle this but I have to. Its just a bump in the road and I knew it was going to happen. But why so soon. Why does something always have to happen to the people I love.
Through all of these days all I know is that the day she gets out will be the day I never let her go farther than ten feet away. The day she gets out will be the day a smile appears back on my face for real. I can't wait for that day. I will be there. No question. I'm never leaving this girl. She is my world my everything.
I love you Emily Elizabeth Lucero til death due us part.

-six feet under yet?

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You sat there and said to me that you dont care that I have hep. C, you dont care if you get, you have cancer anyway... and you arent getting treated for that either. So what you get hep c, and it starts killing your body and makes the cancer worse, so therefore two things are killing you and Im losing you slowly or fast depending on if your body fights the hep c. Heres the things, hep c is not curable and it does not go away on its own. Only three people have ever had hep c go away on their own, their bodies fought it, they were exactly like me. They were strong enough to get rid of it, their bodies rejected the virus. This is a lot for me to handle that I am a walking miracle, the hep c should have killed me by now or at least made me sicker than I get. I do not want to see the girl that I love go through the stuff that I have had to. But than again she wont because she wouldnt go see a doctor, she wouldnt go and get help, she would do the six month blood test, the every two years liver biopse. She wouldnt because she thinks what doesnt kill her makes her stronger. She has cancer.... hep c will only make it worse... I will lose her faster. I will be left alone. I know this may sound really fucking selfish but I dont want to lose you til we are both have reached 102. I know this may sound selfish but I dont want to see you sick and not be able to do anything about it. You say that I can do anything, well guess what the thing is that I have been researching, cancer, a cure, a miracle in a bottle, they need more scientist to work on it, my brain pumps science through it like there isnt a tomorrow, I am good at it, just imagine with a little bit of training I could be that one person that one miracle worker that gets it right, that makes the cancer disappear, would you do something about it than because from this moment on I am not stopping til I get into that research lab and when I am there, I will not sleep eat or do anything til, I find that cure, I know that I can do it. Dont think that I am crazy I am not. I have been through a lot of things that should have killed me, I am fighting a virus and making is go away when its not supposed to, I am helping others and myself, I am taking care of my mom when I can, I learned to change a flat when I was five, the oil when I was seven. Ive could cook eggs, bacon sauage in the moring at age six, I was making steak at nine and on the grill by ten. Tell me I cant, and I will prove you wrong. Tell me not to and Ill do it anyway. Tell me that Im crazy, I slightly am but maybe crazy is what is needed, maybe that extent of how I get when I want something because it will help someone I care about is exactly what is needed, I will stop at nothing. I swear by the end of my days, a cure willl be made.
Anywho, I dont want you to have because I dont want it, and the facts are that mine is going away, what happens when you get it and mine leaves me and Im all better... that isnt fair to you. It throws me off that you dont care, it makes me pissed that you dont care, its important to care about this. I want you to care, I want you to know how dangerous my blood is. I want you to never get it, I dont want to be the one who spreads a nasty disease around, I dont want to be that nasty skank that gives things to others, I dont want to be that whore. I dont want to be that disgusting worthless peice of shit that makes someone elses life more complicated. If you get it, I wouldnt be able to live any longer, I would literally die of disgrace of myself, I would die of the feeling of being so gross, nasty disgustingly skanky. I would hang myself, I would drown myself, I would do something with out blood involved.

-Six feet under yet?