Bury these thoughts, it's the best thing to do.

Every time she turns away, every time I try to just be close to her body, let my hands touch her body and she turns over or pushes my hand away it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person, like I'm not good enough, like she wants some one else. Every time I try for just a little skin she pushes me away, she's not okay with me touching her, she let's me feel her chest, she isn't okay with it... She does everything she can to get my hands some where else, it kills me knowing that I can't touch my girlfriend intimately because some worthless piece of shit some complete asshole took her innocence away from her... It kills me even more to know that I can't make her okay, it kills me to know that I can't make her okay, I can't make it all better, it hurts to know that she still doesn't feel safe.. I know how it is to not want to be touched, I know the thoughts that go through her mind when I get close to her upper thigh, I know that it has nothing to do with me... But still I feel so worthless, like the guy who did what he did,like she thinks I'm him every time I touch her and that breaks everything inside me. I need that I can touch her, I know it sounds selfish but it let's me know that I'm doing okay as a girlfriend that she trust me that she feels safe with me. I hate that I couldn't save her.. I hate myself for not being able touch her. It also kills me to know that she is insecure that she isn't happy with the way she looks, I hate that she looks down on herself because I love her body, I love everything about it. I love every mark, every scar, every freckle... Every damn thing about her body just is amazing, she is so beautiful she is just I just... She can't compare to anyone else because she is breathtaking, she is adorable as hell. I love her body. I love it all. There is not one thing I would change about her. Not her personality not her looks nothing, I can't think of a think, and it breaks me to know that she doesn't love everything about her. It kills me inside knowing that I'm not enough to make her see I won't hurt her, it breaks everything to not know if I make her wet, if I turn her on, anyone can have sex with someone and not be turned on, it's just a matter of not thinking about what you are doing... It's a matter of being some where else mentally, I just... No I'm asking for to much, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, my feelings are worthless and stupid just like me, so I'll just bury these thoughts and pretend it's all okay, that's what I'm good at, I'm good at acting like it's all okay.. This will start a fight or make her leave me and I can't lose her, so I'll bury these thoughts of mine deep down inside for the monsters ton have fun with, for the voices to use against me. But I just have to pretend it's all okay. -six feet under yet?