The stress the payments the money the debt the charges the world is caving in on me. My walls are crumpling. Everything is falling in on me. I can feel it crushing me. I can feel it all just ready to fall on me and crush me til I can't breathe, I've had this feeling before and I found my strenght the fighter inside me I found it through self harm; cutting burning smoking til I pass out sleeping pills til I can't shove another one pucking up the food I binged anything that could end up killing me. Once I did what I felt satisfying I found that fighter again that girl that can make it through anything. That girl that is stronger than the words the stress the fakness the pain the lies. The girl that can fight the world by herself. But now I can't even find that strength because I'm to weak to cut or to burn I don't have pills or weed or money to get anything. Not that I would even be able to do anything. I'm weak I am broken. I'm lost in this world that I built so blindedly. I built this world blinded by the love I have for Emily. I did things that I never thought I would even be involved with. I regret these things that have filled me with guilt. I've killed my spirit I've killed the inner girl who did everything for a real reason who had goals and motivation. I killed who I was and became this bad bitch who didn't have a care, but now Im losing everything and I'm to weak to fix anything. I'm to depressed to want to find that will to do the right thing. I've become so weak. So lonely. So lost. So empty. So broken. So angry. Angry that word doesn't even begin to describe the pure hatred pure instanity that people would call madness that might pass as some angry built up. I want to punch things throw things break things. Fucking I am to weak to even talk at times. I can't self harm and I find that as my greatest weakness. Most people would see that as some sort of strength. No its not its me showing myself that I don't even have control of myself my body let alone my life. I'm the weakest I can be. The fighters gone. I'm laying down and basically playing dead while I do slowly die. Weakness over strength that's how I see life right now.
Please let me be six feet under right now.
