The monsters always come out to play.

<p>&lt;p&gt;I have faught so many inner demons to be okay to understand that it wasn't my fault that hep c wasn't a curse. I worked so hard to make the bad thoughts go away to make sucide not my only answer that I was better and that hep c wouldn't run well ruin my life. Its taken so much from me already its made me people think these horrible things about me when I've never done anything to them. Its made me telll me I'm worthless and disgusting and that I should kill myself for it. That ridding the world of diseased people like me would be the best thing. And the reason people treated me like this was all because a bratty moran likes to ruin other peoples life to get joy amd happ unless in hers told everyone she could and than some. She was someone I thought I could trust her but you can never trust a sedictive lonely girl that has no one to turn to because she can't keep up with her lies. And now the girl that she's in love with is mad at me has decided that she wants to tell the world that I have hep c she was supposed to be my best friend but now that doesmt matter ahe doesn't care. I don't know how to handle someone else that I trusted telling thd pne thing that defines me as a horrible person to the entire world. I don't know how to be okay with that. I don't know how to shut the monsters up.

Bury these thoughts, it's the best thing to do.

Every time she turns away, every time I try to just be close to her body, let my hands touch her body and she turns over or pushes my hand away it makes me feel like I'm a terrible person, like I'm not good enough, like she wants some one else. Every time I try for just a little skin she pushes me away, she's not okay with me touching her, she let's me feel her chest, she isn't okay with it... She does everything she can to get my hands some where else, it kills me knowing that I can't touch my girlfriend intimately because some worthless piece of shit some complete asshole took her innocence away from her... It kills me even more to know that I can't make her okay, it kills me to know that I can't make her okay, I can't make it all better, it hurts to know that she still doesn't feel safe.. I know how it is to not want to be touched, I know the thoughts that go through her mind when I get close to her upper thigh, I know that it has nothing to do with me... But still I feel so worthless, like the guy who did what he did,like she thinks I'm him every time I touch her and that breaks everything inside me. I need that I can touch her, I know it sounds selfish but it let's me know that I'm doing okay as a girlfriend that she trust me that she feels safe with me. I hate that I couldn't save her.. I hate myself for not being able touch her. It also kills me to know that she is insecure that she isn't happy with the way she looks, I hate that she looks down on herself because I love her body, I love everything about it. I love every mark, every scar, every freckle... Every damn thing about her body just is amazing, she is so beautiful she is just I just... She can't compare to anyone else because she is breathtaking, she is adorable as hell. I love her body. I love it all. There is not one thing I would change about her. Not her personality not her looks nothing, I can't think of a think, and it breaks me to know that she doesn't love everything about her. It kills me inside knowing that I'm not enough to make her see I won't hurt her, it breaks everything to not know if I make her wet, if I turn her on, anyone can have sex with someone and not be turned on, it's just a matter of not thinking about what you are doing... It's a matter of being some where else mentally, I just... No I'm asking for to much, I'm making a big deal out of nothing, my feelings are worthless and stupid just like me, so I'll just bury these thoughts and pretend it's all okay, that's what I'm good at, I'm good at acting like it's all okay.. This will start a fight or make her leave me and I can't lose her, so I'll bury these thoughts of mine deep down inside for the monsters ton have fun with, for the voices to use against me. But I just have to pretend it's all okay. -six feet under yet?

I've lost all my trust.

I dont know why and I dont know how but my trust is gone, its just disappeared. You love me, you make that very clear, we are good, we are happy right... right. But there is jsut something about how you act after coming back from hanging with my brother... you are different, you are just like him. I dont want to date my brother, I want to date Emily. But thats not why I dont trust you, its not that I dont trust you, I do. Its more of a I dont trust myself. You dont care about anything, you dont care if you end up in jail, you dont care if you end up with hep c, you dont care if the cancer kills you, you dont care if you end up six feet under, nothing matters to you.. You dont fight to survive, you are getting credit for being alive without actually having to do anything, its not fair. I wish for death every day, I have to try to survive. But you, you just dont care, you couldnt care any less about anything. I wish that you would care, we are supposed to be together forever but if you end up in jail or dead, how is that forever. How is that fair? Here is why shit didnt happen, because I dont like my own body, I hate that you look at it, I hate that you see it, I hate that its not like the girls on tumblr, I hate that my body is disgusting, I hate every inch of my body, its fat, its different colors, its just plain gross. I hate to look at it in the mirror, I get out of the shower and throw on a towel so I dont have to see it, and you, you want your hands and your lips all over this body that I hate, that I am ashamed off. I dont like my own body why should you like it. I just want to disappear and never show this body that repulses me to anyone ever again. I dont understand why you dont care about my body, you should be like youre fucking digusting do something with yourself, I know that sounds retarded but buh. I just hate everything about myself, every little thing. UGH, I am going to stop typing now. sfn;li gho;gsoh hgsdn;go hasdg uahgasdghajk gn hagagihasdgna;os j;io ; HASGHA DFG

-Am I Six Feet Under Yet.







\

Is it time to go under yet?

Is it time to say goodbye, is it time to give up... Is it time to take that last breathe...? I know that it isnt but I cant help but feel that it is. I am in a room filled with people and I am alone, I dont have friends, I dont have any at school. I dont have someone that I can always go to, that is my fault... I cant put my problems on someone else, I cant not any more... My girlfriend and my brother might go to jail because I put my problems on them. I want to become mute, I want to never speak again. I dont want a voice, it doesnt do me any good anyway. I want this all to end, I want the night mares to stop, I want the reply to go away, I dont want to look in the mirror and see this fat digusting thing that just doesnt matter.  I want to just stop everything, I want to sleep for a year, sleep forever, sleep for just a month, I dont care, I just want to sleep for a long period of time so that when I wake up, I cant have to many problems. I want to be in a coffin, six feet under, I want to no longer have to wake up. I want to look in the mirror and not see Dustin and Sterle laughing at me, I want to have sex with my girlfriend and not freak out and think of those two. I dont let her know that I think about it because its with her, I am safe but every night, I dream of them of what they did, I just want this to all be over. I want this to all just be done, If I wasnt alive than nothing would matter anymore. It could all be put at rest. If I could kill myself without hurting anyone else, I would in a heartbeat... I would have my last breathe right now.


buh, Ill talk about this more later... I hate my body, I hate what happened. I hate everything right now, I just want my blanket and a dark corner and a razor.

-Six feet under yet?

The sad part is that I dont even care anymore.

My GPA dropped like .385 and I am pissed but in reality I am okay with that, it means that I am not as smart as everyone says and they can stop being cunt faces and looking at me like I am a genious. Last year at riverview we had to take an IQ test... I took it and got three digits... A lot of people got three digits but my three digits made life harder for me.. People work so hard to be smart and all I have to do is read a book and bam, I know the stuff.. I hate that I can just look at something and understand it. I hate that it doesnt take much for me to be smart, I hate that people expect so much from me because I am smart, If I was like Peter or Kevin or Chris, no one would be asking me about college, or be worried about what I am doing with my life, If I wasnt smart I could get by with selling drugs and car hopping, stealing and all the other random bad shit they do/did for money. I could get in trouble with the police and my family would look at me no different, they would expect it but being smart you know the laws you know that you cant break them, you know that you have to go to college to have a futue, you know that you have to make something of yourself to be noticed in the light and not shunned like a leper. Being smart means no jail time just school time. There used to be a time when school was my home, when I loved going everyday, when I loved every minute of it, I would answer questions, help teachers, I would do all my homework, I would get all my school work down, I would do assignments before they were due not last minute in the class before. I would try, try so hard and this year I just dont care, I hate my school, the people in it lack respect, responsibility, personalility, empathy, kindness, they lack everything a decent human being should have. I hate it, why cant people just have the audacity to just give a fuck just a little, like they dont treat people right, they disrepect each other, teachers, security, just everyone. They dont understand what the real world is like, they say they do, they think because they have a job that that is the real world but half of the damn people at this school couldnt make it on their own if they tried. They dont know how cold the world truly is, they make it cold with the posion that they are but they dont realise that its not all fun and games, beach days and water sports. They dont see people living and dying, they dont know what its like to hold your best friend as they drift off from an overdose, they dont know what its like to lose three family members every day year for three years in a room. they dont understand what its like on the outside, were people dont care about you, they dont care if you dont make it out alive, gets them to a better place. They only care about themsevles they are ruthless cunt licking dick sucking bitches. Well wait, these students will fit right in. I just dont care about this school any more. I just want to be done, I just want to be finished with these stupid classes that are way to easy for me, I just want out, because I hate everything here, I dont care about anything here, I care about one person in this school. ONE PERSON And the other 6000 can go suck a cock. Ah, I wish I care but I dont, I dont care and that hurts. I should care, I should. Its important to care about this, this leads to that and that is my future and my future has always had big plans. But right now, here in this moment I just dont care. Not one bit at all.

-Am I six feet under yet?

Why would you ever want to marry a fuck up emotional empty heartless soulless bitch like me?

I'm nothing. I never have be anything more than nothing. I will always just be what that anon said. Everything they said was true, why didn't you listen.

I love you but at times my problems feel like a burden to me, I could only imagine what they do to you. I'm sorry for being such a mess such a good for nothing mess. I'm worthless and I continue to prove that I just fuck up everything.

I'm a sad pathetic excuse for a human being.

The things i do know.

That I don't want to get even more attached. I'm already stuck like glue, but its the crappy glue that doesn't stay stuck for long. I want it to be like cement glue cause I never want to lose her but its going to be hell to not talk to her everyday to not see her almost every day. I'm crying about it now and she's ten feet away. How am I ever gonna make it forty five days without her by my side. She like an attachment to me... how am I gonna make it without her I tell her everything that happens in my day I tell her every little thing and for months I wont be able to tell her anything. I'm going to fall apart but I wont let it show because I have be strong because Tj and Paige don't want her to go either. This just sucks because I honestly don't know when the last night with her will be. This might be it. This night right now might be the last night I get to sleep by her side for the longest time. She keeps me safe at night the nightmares disappear. The ghost doesn't sit in my room and watch me. What happens if tomorrow is thelast day I get with her than she gets put away. Than all I can do is just wait and wait some more. I'm not okay with this at all. I don't know why I'm already breaking down she's not even gone and I'm already crying, it already feels like shes gone. I'm going to miss her so much. I already do. She's touching me right now and I feel like its the last time from a while. I hate this. I hate this feeling. The girl I'm in love with and want to spend the rest of my days with wont be here for 45 of them. I wont get to see her, I barely be able to talk to her. I can't handle this but I have to. Its just a bump in the road and I knew it was going to happen. But why so soon. Why does something always have to happen to the people I love.
Through all of these days all I know is that the day she gets out will be the day I never let her go farther than ten feet away. The day she gets out will be the day a smile appears back on my face for real. I can't wait for that day. I will be there. No question. I'm never leaving this girl. She is my world my everything.
I love you Emily Elizabeth Lucero til death due us part.

-six feet under yet?

Reaction Folder Not Found.

You sat there and said to me that you dont care that I have hep. C, you dont care if you get, you have cancer anyway... and you arent getting treated for that either. So what you get hep c, and it starts killing your body and makes the cancer worse, so therefore two things are killing you and Im losing you slowly or fast depending on if your body fights the hep c. Heres the things, hep c is not curable and it does not go away on its own. Only three people have ever had hep c go away on their own, their bodies fought it, they were exactly like me. They were strong enough to get rid of it, their bodies rejected the virus. This is a lot for me to handle that I am a walking miracle, the hep c should have killed me by now or at least made me sicker than I get. I do not want to see the girl that I love go through the stuff that I have had to. But than again she wont because she wouldnt go see a doctor, she wouldnt go and get help, she would do the six month blood test, the every two years liver biopse. She wouldnt because she thinks what doesnt kill her makes her stronger. She has cancer.... hep c will only make it worse... I will lose her faster. I will be left alone. I know this may sound really fucking selfish but I dont want to lose you til we are both have reached 102. I know this may sound selfish but I dont want to see you sick and not be able to do anything about it. You say that I can do anything, well guess what the thing is that I have been researching, cancer, a cure, a miracle in a bottle, they need more scientist to work on it, my brain pumps science through it like there isnt a tomorrow, I am good at it, just imagine with a little bit of training I could be that one person that one miracle worker that gets it right, that makes the cancer disappear, would you do something about it than because from this moment on I am not stopping til I get into that research lab and when I am there, I will not sleep eat or do anything til, I find that cure, I know that I can do it. Dont think that I am crazy I am not. I have been through a lot of things that should have killed me, I am fighting a virus and making is go away when its not supposed to, I am helping others and myself, I am taking care of my mom when I can, I learned to change a flat when I was five, the oil when I was seven. Ive could cook eggs, bacon sauage in the moring at age six, I was making steak at nine and on the grill by ten. Tell me I cant, and I will prove you wrong. Tell me not to and Ill do it anyway. Tell me that Im crazy, I slightly am but maybe crazy is what is needed, maybe that extent of how I get when I want something because it will help someone I care about is exactly what is needed, I will stop at nothing. I swear by the end of my days, a cure willl be made.
Anywho, I dont want you to have because I dont want it, and the facts are that mine is going away, what happens when you get it and mine leaves me and Im all better... that isnt fair to you. It throws me off that you dont care, it makes me pissed that you dont care, its important to care about this. I want you to care, I want you to know how dangerous my blood is. I want you to never get it, I dont want to be the one who spreads a nasty disease around, I dont want to be that nasty skank that gives things to others, I dont want to be that whore. I dont want to be that disgusting worthless peice of shit that makes someone elses life more complicated. If you get it, I wouldnt be able to live any longer, I would literally die of disgrace of myself, I would die of the feeling of being so gross, nasty disgustingly skanky. I would hang myself, I would drown myself, I would do something with out blood involved.

-Six feet under yet?

<p>&lt;p&gt;I want to tell you I love you and that everything's going to be okay. I want to tell you anything. I want to speak words to you but when I try to open my mouth nothing comes out, the words don't flow. The words wont escape my mouth. I just want to cry but I can't. I can't do anything but sit here in silence because I really do believe last night was the end. I can't hold on to breathing any more, its starting to hurt to take each breathe.
I just want to be so in love with you and everything to be perfect but I fuck up on a daily basis.

Just a fuck up who doesn't like her thoughts known. I'm aorry tthat these thoughts of mine have always been just mine, its hard knowing someone has every thought I think.

This coming from you, gives me a thousand emotions and none of them make me regret a single thing I did.

" Fuck you and your lame ass excuses:  How the fuck are you going to try to be pissed at your girlfriend for trying to fix something that YOU and YOU ONLY, fucked up. She is trying to help you and your going to sit there and be pissed at her for trying to help you? fuck you. YOU DON’T DESERVE HER! I tried with your ass. I called you three fucking times and you didnt answer but yet you post a whole bunch of bullshit on tumblr, trying to make me look bad when in reality you fucked up. Yes, I walked out and didn’t look back. I am allowed to I didn’t fuck up. I don’t have to try to fix shit, you do. You fucked up your problem you fix it. I dont give a fuck anymore because this bullshit is exactly why I am done. Fuck you and your stupid bulshit with your nonsense excuses. You can take that shit and shove it. I”M NOT GOOD FOR YOU BITCH!? NO BITCH YOUR THE PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE WHO SAT THERE AND HIT ME AFTER YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF AND I AND ONLY I TRIED TO STOP YOU. Im not good for you NO FUCK YOU. You are terrible for me. You bring down my mood, You flip over stupid bullshit, Your mood swings are fucking ridiculous and I am DONE with trying for you. Do whatever you want, I dont even know why I was missing your ass anyway because you turned out to be the SHITTEST FRIEND I’ve ever had. So you know what I’m done. That was your last and final chance and you blew it and you know I am NO type of person to handout second chances like they are candy. GO FUCK YOUR SELF AND HAVE A NICE LIFE."

This is what my so called best friend well ex best friend has to say about me, It may only be me thinking this but I have never once been able to talk about anyone like this even if my friendship ended badly. I never once thought that these words would ever come out of his mouth. His words they cut me worse than the blade, they seep into my soul, the eat at my insecurities, they bring the demons out to play, they bring the thoughts I suppressed  for so long so that I could be strong back, His words used to be what saved me, I guess that is why they are able to break me. How can you even start to tell me who I can and cannot be mad at? How can you think that I dont know that I was the one who fucked up, you said you read my blog post, did you actually read it and understand or was it just something you looked over because if you actually read it than you would understand that I know that I fucked up, I know that I lost something amazing, at least I thought I lost something amazing but obviously if this is how you feel than I dont need you in my life at all, you were never truly there for me if you can say these words without even caring what it would do to me. I know that my girlfriend was trying to help but it wasnt her place to help you said it yourself, It was my problem to fix, not yours not her nor any ones elses. You said I dont deserve her, if I dont deserve her than I dont deserve happiness and when you were the voice that kept me alive all you wanted was for me to be happy, I dont think that should change just because we arent friends, I want what is best for you, I want you to be happy, thats never changed. Yes, I was posting on tumblr, yes I know that you called three times, I did not want to talk to you, if I did than I would have called you, since it was my problem to deal with, my problem to fix. Yes, you did walk out and you didnt look back, but you sat there and said you were the only one who cared, you were the only friend that cared enough to do something but what I really needed was you to shut the fuck up and just hold me, let me cry into your shoulder, that is what I needed not yelling or you calling everyone and their mother. You are the only one that left, you are the only one who walked away, no one else left. And yes keep reminding me that I fucked up because my mind isnt already the worse place to be because I think that I fuck everything up and you know this. You dont care anymore thats great, have a nice life because honestly if you could say this indirectly to me, what else did you say behind my back. I didnt make up any excuses, my blog clearly stated that I was moving on, that moving on was a good thing. That I had to pick up my puzzle pieces and fix myself. What part of that is an excuse not to talk to you, or to not want to fix things with you, none of it is. You werent good for me, it wasnt me half of the time wanting to smoke and drink, I wanted to stop a bunch of times and you brought it around me because that was what our friendship was drugs and alcohol. That is all. Yes, I sat there and hit you, I hit you to make you go away, to make you just grab me and hold me, let me break down in your arms, where it was safe to just cry, where I would feel like you were there to make it all okay, cause you always have in the past. I may have brought you down, but werent you my best friend, the one who was supposed to make me feel happy but no you only made me feel worse, I am sorry that I brought you down, never seemed that way during your lectures or the high talks that we had. But its whatever now, its all just a distant memory that will never be changed. I dont flip over bullshit, I flip when I am hurt, I flip when I dont feel good enough but honestly I hold it in til the last minute possible. Mood swings, yes I have them, I am not going to use this as an excuse but its part of hepatitis C. You can be done with me thats fine, but I was not a shitty friend, I may have had some shitty moments but Tj, I was always there for you, I was always there to listen, I was always there to make things just a little bit better, you knew I would drop the entire world for you, I would take a bullet for you, I wasnt shitty all the time and nothing you say can make me ever doubt that because I know that I wasnt. I didnt want this chance that you handed me, when I wrote my blog post today, I knew that I would never want to have a chance of making things all better, because you are low, lower than me because what you typed, what you said, the way you reacted to me not answering a phone call, was wrong and a terrible thing to do, you knew exactly what it would do to me to read this post written so bluntly about me, you knew that it would tear me apart, but NEWSFLASH, I am better than you, I am stronger than I was, I am a different person, almost taking my life, and losing Paige, Brittney and Emily, oh Emily, almost losing all that made me see everything in a whole new light, this me is stronger, better, a believer, alive, awakened, happy. You are telling me to go fuck myself and have a nice life, well I am ignoring the go fuck yourself, and taking the Have a nice life, in a kind caring compassionate way because at one point, I thought the world of you, I looked up to you in away, I only want to remember you in the light, not the darkness that I brought out in you, I am sorry that I did that but in the end, I ended up where I needed to be and if I am not than at least I am on the way, I am on the right road to where I am going and guess what I am walking it with my girlfriend that you think I dont deserve and maybe I didnt on that day but I will work my ass off to prove to everyone, mainly myself that I do deserve her, I do deserve happiness, She gives it to me and your words wont take her away from me.

It was a good year with you but thats all the room for you that I have in my story, a chapter ended but this new one, its a good one. I have faith again and its not because of you, I dont need you, I dont need to depend on you. I can save myself and if I have a hard time, I have people around me that will help me stand up. In this world, one door closes to another one opening, and if another doesnt, break a damn window and just keep going. I will be strong without you, I will live on without you, I will celebrate life and happiness without you. I will breath everyday and it wont be to keep you happy, it will be to keep me happy and alive for the ones who truly care. Tj, I loved the time I got with you but I do have to say that since you have been gone, so has a lot of my stress. I can do it without you, I never thought I could but I can and every second of each day, I am going to continue proving that.

-breaking suffocation. (busting through walls.) These thoughts are buried here now.

The first post.

The first post will be about how I don't feel good enough for you. I don't feel worthy of your presence. The first time I realize that I cared about you was when your grandmother passed away, that was the first day I saw you as an actually human being. I heard the brokeness in your voice, I kne how you felt, I knew that you were about to lose control and people were going to try to touch and say things will get better, I knew that you wouldn't believe it, I knew that you would reject the thought of everything ever being okay. I knew exactly how you felt and I wanted to tell you that I was there for you but that wasn't my place at all. I didn't feel like I had ground to even think about trying to say that sometimes talking to someone outside of the situation outside of your normal people who make things better, would give you this relief that the people you care bouv most won't see you break down. That was the day that my entire view on you changed completely. That was the day that I started to care about you. Soon after we fought again, soon after your words were craved into my legs. Soon after your opinion matter. Soon after I started to wonder what you were doing, soon after o started to lurk the shit out of you, I was curious, but I had to stay away, it still wasn't my place to say a damn thing to you. I was confused on why I saw this light in you, you had this way of drawing me in but I never let myself get close enough to even be in touching reach, I was curious but I stayed away because it wasn't my place. I stayed away because you helped me with telling Brittney shit. You would have never guessed that you were a thought on my mind. Than one day you put a smile on my face, a smile that I didn't paint on, I was lost and confused, I didn't understand why I finally had the chance to say all the thing I wanted to but it wasn't my place still. I would say slowly but it all happened so fastly, it happened on a blink of an eye, you were suddenly mine, I was suddenly yours. I honestly couldn't ask for anything better, it was just this fairy tale come to reality, my reality the reality that always sucks and never gives me anything good because I was never meant to be happy but finally it's my turn to actually be happy and not have to pretend that it's all going to be okay, I can believe that now. You asked me why are different, you are different because our past wasn't that great and look at us now, I've been on the other end of the phone when you are in battle mode, I've seen youdefend your friends, I've seen you defend me, you hve no reason to be the way you are, everyone would completely understand If you feel apart it would be okay you would be held up but you refuse to not stand on your own two feet, so many other people that I know would just give up everyone I've date would just go up on everything. No one would do the things you do for me. You are different with the way you make me feel, you give me butterflies, you make my palms sweat, my heart races with each touch, I smile with just a text from you, when I hear your voice my heart stops for just a moment, each kiss makes my heart skip a beat. You make me speechless with almost all your words, you make me nervous. I don't think you understand that it's not every othe lesbian that make me feel this way, I've talked to ten girls at one time and none of them caught my attention they way you do, not one of them every made me feel like thing could be okay, not a damn one of them could ever give me just one look and make me feel like the entire world is frozen, when I'm with you, it's like only us and a few select people are alive and on the world with us, it's just this world of happiness and okayness with you. Every touch stops time, it's an endless amount of time that I want to spend with you. You are the first thought in the morning, regardless of you bein next to me, you are my last at night, even if I didn't kiss you goodnight, you are my favorite hello and my hardest goodbye. You are different because no one else has or could ever make me feel this way. I hate feeling all of this so soon, I won't lie it scares me because never have I let someone in so fast, onto everything so fast. But I'm okay with this because how you make me feel takes eerything else away.



-burying my toughts 6 feet under.