" Fuck you and your lame ass excuses: How the fuck are you going to try to be pissed at your girlfriend for trying to fix something that YOU and YOU ONLY, fucked up. She is trying to help you and your going to sit there and be pissed at her for trying to help you? fuck you. YOU DON’T DESERVE HER! I tried with your ass. I called you three fucking times and you didnt answer but yet you post a whole bunch of bullshit on tumblr, trying to make me look bad when in reality you fucked up. Yes, I walked out and didn’t look back. I am allowed to I didn’t fuck up. I don’t have to try to fix shit, you do. You fucked up your problem you fix it. I dont give a fuck anymore because this bullshit is exactly why I am done. Fuck you and your stupid bulshit with your nonsense excuses. You can take that shit and shove it. I”M NOT GOOD FOR YOU BITCH!? NO BITCH YOUR THE PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE WHO SAT THERE AND HIT ME AFTER YOU TRIED TO KILL YOURSELF AND I AND ONLY I TRIED TO STOP YOU. Im not good for you NO FUCK YOU. You are terrible for me. You bring down my mood, You flip over stupid bullshit, Your mood swings are fucking ridiculous and I am DONE with trying for you. Do whatever you want, I dont even know why I was missing your ass anyway because you turned out to be the SHITTEST FRIEND I’ve ever had. So you know what I’m done. That was your last and final chance and you blew it and you know I am NO type of person to handout second chances like they are candy. GO FUCK YOUR SELF AND HAVE A NICE LIFE."
This is what my so called best friend well ex best friend has to say about me, It may only be me thinking this but I have never once been able to talk about anyone like this even if my friendship ended badly. I never once thought that these words would ever come out of his mouth. His words they cut me worse than the blade, they seep into my soul, the eat at my insecurities, they bring the demons out to play, they bring the thoughts I suppressed for so long so that I could be strong back, His words used to be what saved me, I guess that is why they are able to break me. How can you even start to tell me who I can and cannot be mad at? How can you think that I dont know that I was the one who fucked up, you said you read my blog post, did you actually read it and understand or was it just something you looked over because if you actually read it than you would understand that I know that I fucked up, I know that I lost something amazing, at least I thought I lost something amazing but obviously if this is how you feel than I dont need you in my life at all, you were never truly there for me if you can say these words without even caring what it would do to me. I know that my girlfriend was trying to help but it wasnt her place to help you said it yourself, It was my problem to fix, not yours not her nor any ones elses. You said I dont deserve her, if I dont deserve her than I dont deserve happiness and when you were the voice that kept me alive all you wanted was for me to be happy, I dont think that should change just because we arent friends, I want what is best for you, I want you to be happy, thats never changed. Yes, I was posting on tumblr, yes I know that you called three times, I did not want to talk to you, if I did than I would have called you, since it was my problem to deal with, my problem to fix. Yes, you did walk out and you didnt look back, but you sat there and said you were the only one who cared, you were the only friend that cared enough to do something but what I really needed was you to shut the fuck up and just hold me, let me cry into your shoulder, that is what I needed not yelling or you calling everyone and their mother. You are the only one that left, you are the only one who walked away, no one else left. And yes keep reminding me that I fucked up because my mind isnt already the worse place to be because I think that I fuck everything up and you know this. You dont care anymore thats great, have a nice life because honestly if you could say this indirectly to me, what else did you say behind my back. I didnt make up any excuses, my blog clearly stated that I was moving on, that moving on was a good thing. That I had to pick up my puzzle pieces and fix myself. What part of that is an excuse not to talk to you, or to not want to fix things with you, none of it is. You werent good for me, it wasnt me half of the time wanting to smoke and drink, I wanted to stop a bunch of times and you brought it around me because that was what our friendship was drugs and alcohol. That is all. Yes, I sat there and hit you, I hit you to make you go away, to make you just grab me and hold me, let me break down in your arms, where it was safe to just cry, where I would feel like you were there to make it all okay, cause you always have in the past. I may have brought you down, but werent you my best friend, the one who was supposed to make me feel happy but no you only made me feel worse, I am sorry that I brought you down, never seemed that way during your lectures or the high talks that we had. But its whatever now, its all just a distant memory that will never be changed. I dont flip over bullshit, I flip when I am hurt, I flip when I dont feel good enough but honestly I hold it in til the last minute possible. Mood swings, yes I have them, I am not going to use this as an excuse but its part of hepatitis C. You can be done with me thats fine, but I was not a shitty friend, I may have had some shitty moments but Tj, I was always there for you, I was always there to listen, I was always there to make things just a little bit better, you knew I would drop the entire world for you, I would take a bullet for you, I wasnt shitty all the time and nothing you say can make me ever doubt that because I know that I wasnt. I didnt want this chance that you handed me, when I wrote my blog post today, I knew that I would never want to have a chance of making things all better, because you are low, lower than me because what you typed, what you said, the way you reacted to me not answering a phone call, was wrong and a terrible thing to do, you knew exactly what it would do to me to read this post written so bluntly about me, you knew that it would tear me apart, but NEWSFLASH, I am better than you, I am stronger than I was, I am a different person, almost taking my life, and losing Paige, Brittney and Emily, oh Emily, almost losing all that made me see everything in a whole new light, this me is stronger, better, a believer, alive, awakened, happy. You are telling me to go fuck myself and have a nice life, well I am ignoring the go fuck yourself, and taking the Have a nice life, in a kind caring compassionate way because at one point, I thought the world of you, I looked up to you in away, I only want to remember you in the light, not the darkness that I brought out in you, I am sorry that I did that but in the end, I ended up where I needed to be and if I am not than at least I am on the way, I am on the right road to where I am going and guess what I am walking it with my girlfriend that you think I dont deserve and maybe I didnt on that day but I will work my ass off to prove to everyone, mainly myself that I do deserve her, I do deserve happiness, She gives it to me and your words wont take her away from me.
It was a good year with you but thats all the room for you that I have in my story, a chapter ended but this new one, its a good one. I have faith again and its not because of you, I dont need you, I dont need to depend on you. I can save myself and if I have a hard time, I have people around me that will help me stand up. In this world, one door closes to another one opening, and if another doesnt, break a damn window and just keep going. I will be strong without you, I will live on without you, I will celebrate life and happiness without you. I will breath everyday and it wont be to keep you happy, it will be to keep me happy and alive for the ones who truly care. Tj, I loved the time I got with you but I do have to say that since you have been gone, so has a lot of my stress. I can do it without you, I never thought I could but I can and every second of each day, I am going to continue proving that.
-breaking suffocation. (busting through walls.) These thoughts are buried here now.
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